Gym Chronicles

The Gym—a place where you can—sweat profusely while jamming to Right Said Fred; burn calories to your hearts discontent; wear a sweat band and fanny pack and not be laughed at; walk around completely naked in the locker room letting everyone see how much your body resembles melted plastic; a place where you can wear your brand new Under Armour and randomly scream out, “I will protect this house?”.  Outside of all these wonderful perks that come with joining a gym—the best perk of course is the wonderful people you will meet during your visits.  So, here’s to you Sir, here’s to you Ma’am…

Crazy Treadmill Lady

Dear Crazy treadmill lady,

Before we exchange pleasantries, please know that I am NOT racing you.  I don’t know if it’s just mere coincidence; but I’ve noticed when I adjust my speed to a more challenging pace—so do you.  And perhaps our iPods are tuned to the same song, because at times—it seems—our strides are synchronized.  Also, I was wondering…if you’re going so fast that your feet are no longer making contact with the treadmill, are you still burning calories.  Anyways ma’am.  It was nice meeting you and I look forward to seeing you here for the rest of my life.

Old Naked Guy

Dear Old naked guy,

Good day Sir.  Yes, I agree your son is lazy.  Umm… excuse me for interrupting you; but, are you aware your knee is touching mine?  Oh, and before you just scoot over, I noticed a jagged edge on this bench that you have your raw hide sitting on.  So be careful.  One more thing.  Did you forget your combination, lose your key, or did you arrive here naked?  Because I was in the sauna for 30 minutes and in the shower another 15 and you’re still naked.  Just wondering.  No sir, I’m not getting sass with you.  Nice meeting you sir.  Same time tomorrow?

Jacked Up on Steroids Dude

Dear Jacked up on steroids dude,

Get a life.

Creepy Angry Man

Dear Creepy angry man,

I came over to let you know that even though I didn’t see a sign posted on the door, I don’t think they allow you to summon spirits here.  I normally mind my own business; however, when I heard you screaming, grunting, slapping your arms, and saw you twitching your neck, I thought I would inform you of the rules so you don’t revoke your membership.  You’re welcome sir.  P.S. Why you got crazy eyes?

Overzealous Personal Trainer who Needs Commission Guy

Dear Overzealous personal trainer who needs commission guy,

I see you.  I know you think I’m adjusting the music on my iPod; however I’ve seen you in the reflection of my touchscreen tiptoeing behind me.  Before you approach me to tell me how to angle my arm and start counting with me, please know that I have no need of your services.  Please put your free guest passes back in your shirt pocket.  I still have the other 28 you gave me last week.  No hard feelings?  Take care Overzealous personal trainer who needs commission guy.

Miss Trying to Become Mrs.

Dear Miss trying to become Mrs.

I know they say the gym is a great place to meet people; but I don’t think it’s required for you to workout in a ball gown and stilettos.  I was also wondering if you are intentionally leaving a trail of glitter; perhaps for your possible suitors to find you, or were you in a fight with the tooth fairy?  One last thing before I let you go, you have more muscles besides your glutes and they need exercise too.

Funny Flirting Ecard: I'm coming back to this machine. I just gotta go check my make up.

Oily Diesel 10-pack Abs Guy

Dear Oily diesel 10-pack abs guy,

You win.

Who did I forget?  What gym weirdos frequent your gym?

57 comments

  1. When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I
    get four emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
    Thank you!

  2. You pretty much labeled all the gym weirdos haha. How about those who goes to the gym and just talks about food the whole time? 🙂

    1. LmboOoo… I haven’t met those guys yet..

  3. […] [Check out my fellow blogger's chronicles on the different personality types to grace the rubber ma… […]

  4. Going to link this to my page- I’ve just recently become “crazy sex-grunt girl” @ the gym after my trainer stacked on my kg’s on leg day…you know you’ve been owned when sitting down the next day hurts haha!
    Love the post and keep them coming Fries boy 😉

    1. LOL @ Fries boy.. and Yeah leg day sucks the next day!!

  5. I love this, so funny!

  6. […] No “FRIES” for 365: Courageous and inspiring, Jason is sharing his journey with the world: http://nofriesfor365.com/2012/11/09/gym-chronicles/ […]

  7. Hilarious! Ah, my gym was filled with these people.

  8. This is hilarious and so true!! Love your blog, glad I discovered it. You just had my bf and I ROFL’ing.

  9. bahahaha this is so hilarious! thanks for the follow… i really like your blog!

  10. mikemonaco · · Reply

    Very funny!
    I’m struggling to get back to the gym more but based on what I’ve observed, the best weightlifting benches/machines are the ones closest to the mirror wall, because those are the ones a lot of dudes have to use. Apparently you get more out of exercises when you can check yourself out. This must be a corollary to the principle that it is critically important to slam weights around, drop barbells, and grunt loudly, so that everyone knows you’re lifting heavy weights. I swear one guy always looks around every time drops the barbell, scanning to make sure at least one other exerciser noticed him.

    I’ve also spotted the fastidious lifters who wipe down the benches before using them but are too pressed for time to wipe them down AFTER leaving their pools of sweat on the equipment. Nice. And hey, thank you for always wearing a tank top rather than a tshirt; much better for making sure everyone who uses the ‘preacher bench’ to curl will smell just like you.

    1. LOLLL!! Too funny and so true..

  11. You are a great writer! Keep up the good work!

    1. Thanks a lot Mollie:)

  12. Jason, you’re amazing! Thank you for following my blog, and I cannot wait to read more of yours!! What an awesome goal, I hope it’s working for you so far! This post cracked me up- I work at a “Fancy” gym and you wouldn’t believe the characters I run into. I’d love to have you guest post on my blog one day! 🙂

    1. Thanks Beth:) I’d be honored to guest post on your blog..

  13. I am the guy who pays for his gym membership and never goes!

    1. Ive been that guy…

  14. So funny!!! I love it!

  15. Reblogged this on Me, Myself and I and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  16. That was a great read at the end of a calm day at the office. Thanks!

  17. too funny and so true 🙂

  18. Back when I swam, I frequently came across Strange Lady Too Cheap To Buy A Swim Cap So Wears A Shower Cap Instead. She also never swam a complete lap. She’d dog paddle halfway up the pool and then turn around and come back.

    I’ve only ever seen one girl obviously prowling for guys at my gym. She would hang around the machines looking helpless and girly, waiting for some guy to come and help her. They never did. They were all too busy looking at the gun show in the mirrors.

    1. LOL @ the lady to cheap to buy a shower cap! haha! and the girl at my gym gets a little more attention.. usually from some other gym weirdo.

  19. This was hilarious and also one of the reasons why I love that I moved to a smaller private gym… don’t miss the commercial gym craziness! Good for a laugh though 🙂

  20. So funny. I think this is so relatable! Thanks for the humor

  21. Very funny. That sense of humor will keep you going!

  22. I think we go to the same gym. 🙂

  23. Hilarious! Thanks for putting a smile on my face 🙂

  24. Love this! I’ll never understand the girls in the changing room putting on make up before they go work out – what is the point? Surely you’re there to sweat it all off?!

  25. I think my favorites at my no-frills park district gym are the guys who come in, do three reps of whatever, and spend 45 minutes staring at their cell phones.

    I’m actually glad my phone gets no reception in the gym. Gives me an hour uninterrupted ME time.

    Now, of course, I’m going to be on the lookout for your weirdos. Thanks for the heads up!

  26. Very, very funny! OK, I MAY have been guilty, as a newbie at the gym- of peeking at my compet- um, co-fitness seeker’s machine numbers. I mean, how can I tell if I am doing well or not?? OK, so I just need to do my PERSONAL best, not someone else’s…sigh 😉 Yes, and the naked greeting from the very big lady, who wanted to chat…

  27. Thanks for a great laugh!

  28. jessicaozmentphoto · · Reply

    This is freaking side splitting! Thanks!

  29. arnoldsback · · Reply

    What about all the guys doing curls in the squat rack? Or rhe guys that set up the bench press to then do a set, want to go away and do other exercises then expect to come back to their bench!

    1. Yeah I see that ALL THE TIME!

  30. petit4chocolatier · · Reply

    So funny! So true! I LOVE this!!

    I hope you don’t mind if I reblog your link on my reblog tastings page?

    1. Nope, I’d be honored! 🙂

  31. You had me laughing out loud. Thanks for the entertainment!

  32. Great post! I was dying of laughter reading it!

  33. tempestnmind · · Reply

    Hehehe. Nice!

  34. This is all so true!! I love the ones that look over at your machine! I love to do the bikes and it cracks me up when the person next to me peaks over my shoulder trying to look at what level I’m on or how long my timer is going for! It’s all I can do not to bust out laughing! And I really love the guys that grunt and make all that noise! “I pick heavy things up and I put them back down”.
    s

  35. Think you got them all, and most made me laugh. Thanks for that.

  36. Ha Ha I think after 60 all men become the “old naked guy”. Why do they think its time to complain about the Yankees or the Knicks or the current state of the country while naked. Also have to apologize now for being the ten pack Abs guy……

  37. Dear superskinny girls texting on the bike and pedalling at about 10mph. You don’t need to lose weight, and you aren’t raising your heart rate enough to get fit. So why are you here? I wouldn’t be. Run, fly free, go meet the person you’re texting…….Or maybe they are husband hunting?

    1. I think you’re right, they’re husband hunting LOLL!

  38. foodaddictionrecovery · · Reply

    Don’t forget the one that feels superior to you. You know the one… They get that smug look when they increase the weight on the machine after you are done with it and it’s their turn.

    1. LOLL! Yeah I see that all the time!

  39. Sweet Spell Baking Chick · · Reply

    All so true and a funny post. Nice one!

  40. This entry truly made my night!!!! Lol

  41. deborahhmoore · · Reply

    This was absolutely brilliant. I love the comment “Why you got crazy eyes?” and the comment about having a fight with a tooth fairy.

  42. Dear Old Men/Women who come to socialize;

    Stopping at the bottom of the stairs or right smack in the middle of the walkway to talk for 45 minutes is definitely earning stink eye from more people than just me. Don’t they make bingo halls for this?

    Dear Naked People in the Locker Room;

    For the love of all that is holy, if you feel the need to sit down, please sit on a towel. Or put on underwear before you sit down. Ick. Also, if you forgot a towel but remembered your hair dryer? Please don’t prop your leg up on the counter to dry your nether regions. I can never un-see that. And if you feel the need to remove hair, save that for your own home. Again, something I can not remove from my eyeballs.

    Thanks, Fellow Gym Goer

  43. Hilarious and true! Thanks for this post! I lived it!

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