The Gym—a place where you can—sweat profusely while jamming to Right Said Fred; burn calories to your hearts discontent; wear a sweat band and fanny pack and not be laughed at; walk around completely naked in the locker room letting everyone see how much your body resembles melted plastic; a place where you can wear your brand new Under Armour and randomly scream out, “I will protect this house?”. Outside of all these wonderful perks that come with joining a gym—the best perk of course is the wonderful people you will meet during your visits. So, here’s to you Sir, here’s to you Ma’am…
Crazy Treadmill Lady
Dear Crazy treadmill lady,
Before we exchange pleasantries, please know that I am NOT racing you. I don’t know if it’s just mere coincidence; but I’ve noticed when I adjust my speed to a more challenging pace—so do you. And perhaps our iPods are tuned to the same song, because at times—it seems—our strides are synchronized. Also, I was wondering…if you’re going so fast that your feet are no longer making contact with the treadmill, are you still burning calories. Anyways ma’am. It was nice meeting you and I look forward to seeing you here for the rest of my life.
Old Naked Guy
Dear Old naked guy,
Good day Sir. Yes, I agree your son is lazy. Umm… excuse me for interrupting you; but, are you aware your knee is touching mine? Oh, and before you just scoot over, I noticed a jagged edge on this bench that you have your raw hide sitting on. So be careful. One more thing. Did you forget your combination, lose your key, or did you arrive here naked? Because I was in the sauna for 30 minutes and in the shower another 15 and you’re still naked. Just wondering. No sir, I’m not getting sass with you. Nice meeting you sir. Same time tomorrow?
Jacked Up on Steroids Dude
Dear Jacked up on steroids dude,
Get a life.
Creepy Angry Man
Dear Creepy angry man,
I came over to let you know that even though I didn’t see a sign posted on the door, I don’t think they allow you to summon spirits here. I normally mind my own business; however, when I heard you screaming, grunting, slapping your arms, and saw you twitching your neck, I thought I would inform you of the rules so you don’t revoke your membership. You’re welcome sir. P.S. Why you got crazy eyes?
Overzealous Personal Trainer who Needs Commission Guy
Dear Overzealous personal trainer who needs commission guy,
I see you. I know you think I’m adjusting the music on my iPod; however I’ve seen you in the reflection of my touchscreen tiptoeing behind me. Before you approach me to tell me how to angle my arm and start counting with me, please know that I have no need of your services. Please put your free guest passes back in your shirt pocket. I still have the other 28 you gave me last week. No hard feelings? Take care Overzealous personal trainer who needs commission guy.
Miss Trying to Become Mrs.
Dear Miss trying to become Mrs.
I know they say the gym is a great place to meet people; but I don’t think it’s required for you to workout in a ball gown and stilettos. I was also wondering if you are intentionally leaving a trail of glitter; perhaps for your possible suitors to find you, or were you in a fight with the tooth fairy? One last thing before I let you go, you have more muscles besides your glutes and they need exercise too.
Oily Diesel 10-pack Abs Guy
Dear Oily diesel 10-pack abs guy,